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From: John Bersuch [baconshoe@gmail.com]
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: Scott [scott@guaranteedtonotshowup.com]
Date: Nov 6, 2006 4:19 PM
Subject: hello scottwould you please consider not going to the bacon shoe show? i didn’t see us on your future possibilities. we have a show on this coming friday and i could probably get you on the list. oh my god is also playing and they are very good.
john
Alright; I don’t know how to handle this request. For the most part, I actually WANT to go to most of the shows I will talk about. I guess I fucked up by putting that horrid show on the 15th of November down there about which I have no intent of even asking around (Reggie and the Full Effect is a “local” act, and that joke was funny for about as long as Steven Wright, but there is nothing appealing about any of those bands). My fault.
So as long as we are talking about jokes that may or may not be funny depending on whether or not “zany repetitive antics” make you excited (file under Dane Cook), John Bersuch wants me to not go to a Bacon Shoe concert, or to go, or something. He wants me to write about him. He wants attention. So now I am in the position of caving in and giving John attention because he asked. Grrrrrr. Meh.
I know that ex-In the Pines everyman John Ferguson (guitar, banjo | In the Pines / mc sidekick | Bacon Shoe) is in Thailand, so his Flavor Flav-esque role of “Tione” is being filled in by Nathan Ellis’s Greg Franklin (guitar | Nathan Ellis’s Jackie Carol). And I’m a huge fan of Franklin’s — I wrote his Wikipedia entry which was recently deleted. And D.J. Clem, one of the most talented multi-instrumentalists in Kansas City, fries bacon in the band (yes, you read that correctly). That is a BUNCH of talent. Like forcing the top athletes in the world to run around in the team mascot suits instead. Who could miss out on that? Me. I’ll be watching Dane Cook DVDs to remind me why I didn’t go.
I know Dane Cook-bashing is trendy, but he has that whole MySpace connection (correction: Dane Cook has 1588316 connections), and that will drive me to comment on anything negatively. So speaking of the zany hilarity of Dane Cook and white-boy-rap that tries to be ironic but ends up like a fraternity-rush-skit with none of the irony of Lamar’s rap in Revenge of the Nerds, I found this blog comment when searching for “Dane Cook” just now:
el’ gichi :
I hate Dane Cook. After seeing him on SNL tonight, now I hate SNL too.
Masterfully, it was followed immediately by a quote from a guy who almost types like Dane Cook delivers “comedy”:
Penisduerson :
Hey sukdikkers, just popped in to say that Dane Cook is the voice of our generation you know what i’m saying? YOU FUCKING RETARDS ON THIS RETARDED FUCKIN BLOG ARE DUMB AS SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU KISS MY SHIT YOU DUMB FUCKS. WESTON DEBOER YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN MEAT SMOKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE I HOPE YOU FUCKIN DIE AND GET FUCKING STOMPED OUT BY AN ENORMOUS PAIR OF PIG TITS
Now that isn’t funny. He missed the nuances of Dane Cook. Penisduerson and Bacon Shoe, take note as I fix that to be DANE COOK FUNNY!:
Hey sukdikkers, just popped in to say that Dane Cook is the voice of our generation you know what i’m saying? YOU FUCKING RETARDS ON THIS RETARDED FUCKIN BLOG ARE DUMB AS SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK.
YOU FUCK!
YOU FUCK!
YOU FUCK YOU KISS MY SHIT!
YOU KISS MYYYYYYYY SHIT!
YOU KISS IT. YEAH, YOU!
KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT KISS SHIT!!!!
KISS
SHIT
YOU KISS MY SHIT.
MY SHIT!
YOU KISS IT YOU DUMB FUCKS! YEAH!
WESTON DEBOER YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN MEAT SMOKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE I HOPE YOU FUCKIN DIE AND GET FUCKING STOMPED OUT BY AN ENORMOUS PAIR OF PIG TITS.
YEAH, I SAID IT. PIG TITS.
PIG TITSSSSS PIG TITS TITS PIG TITS PIG TITS TITS TITS!!!! TITS! PIG TITS.
PIG TITS. YEAH, YOU. OVER THERE. YEAH, AND YOU! AND YOU! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGG TIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTS.
pig tits
PIIIIG TITS!
If you thought that was funnier than the dude’s original post, make sure not to miss Bacon Shoe. If it made you want to punch my kidneys until I die, you should stay home with me. Here is a mathematical formula that will determine whether I go:
Black Nasty (-) anything the least bit black (+) Bloodhound Gang (+) MySpace friends (-) instruments (+) Dane Cook = 0% (Guaranteed to NOT show up).
Sorry John. You wanted the press. But don’t worry. These guys will be there:
- Hello Goodbye / Reggie and the Full Effect / Cute I s What We Aim For / Dave Mellilo; 15 Nov; Granada (0% chance)
- Topeka Ascension Ork’ester, This is My Condition as special guest, 17 Nov; Grace Episcopal Cathedral (71% chance)
- Gay Beast / This is My Condition / Witch & Hare 29 Nov; Jackpot Saloon (94% chance)
- Split Lip Rayfield, 01 Dec; Liberty Hall (62% chance)
