Guaranteed to NOT Show Up

I’ve gotta admit that I had to look up the title of the Butthole Surfers EP “Creamed Corn from the Socket of Davis,” given that I remembered it as “Creamed Corn from the Temple of Anus.” And the reason that came up is because tonight I am stuck between two shows I would have gone out to see ten years ago: Green Milk from the Planet Orange at The Record Bar and Wood Roses at The Replay. Alas, Wood Roses is in Lawrence, so that will win the toss up, yet I don’t expect to stay for much more than the time it takes me to drop of an old 1/4″ 4-track for somebody. I’m currently putting polyurethane on my new cork-flooring.

Green Milk from the Planet Orange makes me think “Creamed Corn from the Temple of Anus” every time I hear it. So I did a Google search for “Temple of Anus” and found only three hits, all of them making reference to the poster above. Go figure. I would think that given that there is a website for every godforsaken bodily function being performed on Japanese chicks or for fat guys in shit-filled diapers being changed by girls in pigtails and halter tops that there would have been something funnier in the “Temple of Anus” world. But nope. This means two things: There is still one more porn movie title left, and there is one more sex genre to be explored. I’ll let you get right on that. Not my thing. I’m busy.

Speaking of shitting on Japanese chicks, why are the Japanese beating the shit out of us at rock these days? Between the Japs and the New Zealanders, we hardly stand a chance. Melt-Banana, Acid Mothers Temple, Boris, Black Boned Angel, Birchville Cat Motel, and Green Corn from the Socket Orange or whatever. Plus that Keiji Haino douchebag who manages to crank out something every few weeks. There was a period when Thurston Moore was taking a dump on about 200 records a year, and I kind of think of Haino as that kind of guy. I think that is a flattering thing to say about both of them. I think.

From what I can tell, The Creamed Milk from Planet Davis guys sit down while they play. That isn’t how I like my Japanese noise / prog / whatever. Sitting down? When they rock out, do they do chair-bound hair flips? Instead of jumps and stomps and shit, do they just fall out of their chairs? WTF is that about? I’ve really never seen footage of them standing up. God, I hope they’re not crippled. Then I’d feel horrible.

Their guitar sounds blow me away, though. They don’t exactly hit a groove very often, but when they do, it can be pretty awe invoking. They definitely have the CAN ripoff thing going (that is good), but they also have this tendency to switch gears more than I’d like, like a bunch of MIT grad alley-cats with time on their hands trying to be avant somethingorother. If I want to watch a bunch of Japanese guys sitting down and whacking-off … never mind, that joke makes itself, and it wasn’t good to start with. They also have those random Faust-like piano / drum things. So they have the elements of great bands, but they just don’t get me too excited. I don’t know if get to go and watch guys sit down and jack off with a theremin and a piano and spoken-word and a drummer who hits cymbals and rain-sticks for an hour, or if I’d get to see a fist-pumping, hair-flipping Acid Mothers Temple rock show. Don’t get me wrong, good Green Milk is better than almost anything that passes as SUNN(((() or whatever, but I just don’t know if I want to drive for an hour only to want to kill a few Japanese guys for striking the wrong mood. And the song I am uploading right now sounds like Bow Wow Wow run through a cheap Peavey amp with the “saturation” button pushed. What the hell? If you want to know why I didn’t go, download this song and tell me that you don’t experience moments where you want to punch them in the ball-socket for trying so hard.

So I get to see Mike McCoy with yet another band that sounds like Mike McCoy in a band. It can’t be a bad thing. I’ll try to stay for 10 minutes or so. Cher UK, Black Rabbits, American People, now Wood Roses. The list of bands that Mike McCoy has made sound like Mike McCoy is an ever-expanding list. And I get to see Grant Whats-his-fuck who used to be in the old Twin Tone band Beyond Zebra or Run Westy, Run or something, who is in a new folk duo. Poor fuck.

I need to find out about shows BEFORE the night they happen. Send me info. Jesus.

Green Milk from Planet Orange - OMGS in the fabulous MP3 format

By the way, National Fire Theory got ripped off for about $20,000 worth of equipment last night in NYC. Pass the word.

Up next? Another Japanese music related post and the Lawrence one-man-Ramone.

Took the ChaChi and my sweetheart to the In the Pines show around 21:00.

Got a call from Myers (drummer | In the Pines, The String and Return, Life and Times, etc.) while I was on my knees in the new bedroom putting down cork tile — still. It must have been close to ten (20:00). I have one word for you: Tessellation. Oh. Holy. Shit. Don’t let your sweet-faced little honey talk you into a repeating pattern in which no tile is in line with another tile. Especially if you are using a non-grouted tile, where they need to be tightly laid against one-another. My worst fucking nightmare is named Herringbone, and Herringbone needs a dick punching.

Anyway, with my melon all headache-high from the adhesive, we took the little man to The Jackpot. He was wide awake, and the real goal was to show him off and to snag a CD from In the Pines. I was impressed by how many folks held the little fellow, although Myers was afraid of him. Brad Hodgson (voc/guit | In the Pines) snatched him up. Billy Belzer (drummer | Uncle Tupelo, Todd Newman, New Amsterdams, etc.) begged for him, and held him until his baby-cop spouse stepped in and made me take him back because Billy was “over the baby holding limit.”

Baby-craziest folks of the night: Billy Belzer, Brad Hodgson, Jill Myers, Clayton VanMeter. Most insightful parenting comments of the night: Craig Comstock (bass | Blue Leaves / drums, bass, guitar | This is My Condition).

We got to the show just after The Blue Leaves quit playing. It seems really odd to me that Craig Comstock is playing with guys I expect to be playing angular pop (I have no idea what they play; that is a guess). The guy has the most entertaining and jaw-dropping gig this area has seen in many, many years, and then he pops up playing bass in a combo. Weird. As long as it doesn’t reduce the number of This is My Condition gigs, I guess I don’t care. But in short, my review of the Blue Leaves show tonight goes as such:

The Blue Leaves’s Bass Player is sole proprietor of the best band in Lawrence. If he would have been playing by himself, I would have been there on time. Well, not really, but I would have tried a lot harder. Who knows. And maybe they are great. Craig definitely makes bands great.

We walked in as another band started playing. Carrying an infant (with little earplugs), you’d expect to have to wrap his head with soundproofing and duct tape, but the band was delightfully quiet. So we didn’t have to leave right away (whew/damn). From the back, it looked like the band was a woman playing a white bass, and some other guys. The name was forgettable, like The New Republic or Tragic Forest or something. It doesn’t help that they sounded like I would imagine In the Pines would sound if half of the band went out drinking and left the other half at a practice space to try to come up with more material. Everybody kept telling me that they are “really nice.” That is the band equivalent of “pretty in the face,” only it gets you farther. I’m actually really glad that they are “really nice” because they are more likely to be serving me at a restaurant than playing at Wembley Stadium. And I mean that in a “really nice” way.

At first, I thought the bass-playing chick was Ann (spelling?) from Tawni Freeland’s circa 2000 project called T & A. She was some kind of clean-cut, Nordic blond girl who held her bass like it was sticky. But man she was an amazing bass player. And a sweet kid. Prolly under 20. She worked at Mass Street Music in Lawrence and didn’t lie to me, which is notable. And she was marrying a dude that looked like they were from the same parents. That was creepy. I swear the guy was her brother. If I had pictures of both, I’d show ‘ya. But then again, if I had pictures of both, that would be really fucking creepy of me.

But the bass player for In the Tragic Republic was neither Ann nor Craig, so I can’t really tell you much more than that. She had a white bass. I don’t know where they work.

As In the Pines got ready to go on, we got a copy of the CD and readied to leave. It was getting late, and we were beat from all of the work. We went home and laid flooring for six more hours.

Upon listening to the CD during the flooring debacle (a lot), it became apparent to me that J. Hall made the CD much more appealing to you folks. The people who hear it for the first time will be much more attentive and much more excited. It is dark, it is lazy, and it is literate (think Dirty Three meets P.W. Long (sans blues), Erskine Caldwell, Flannery O’Conner, James Dickey, and Borat). There is some redemption, some backwoods wisdom, and some cliched heartbreak (i.e., “You can’t take my soul; it’s mine”). It is punchy, the voice performances are tight, soaring, and confident, and the CD has a brightness that will keep new listeners aware — uhhhh … needle scratch, anyone? Do we want O’Connor and Dickey characters moping with a tight, soaring confidence? Do we want our backwoods wisdom to be punchy? Do we even want the harmonies in close tune?

Don’t get me wrong; it sounds great. And there are some really touching performances and dy-no-mite songs. If I had to sell this record, I’d be overjoyed that it sounds more like a product of Sear Sound in New York than field recordings from You Have Seen Their Faces. And it does sound great.

But I’ve heard those early mixes, and they aren’t so confident. Turning down the “darkness” knob is a curious move for a record marketed as dark. But the reality is that records need to be marketed, and the beauty of disjointed, wavering harmonies and open spaces where confidence disappear are lost on people who look to MySpace for their “friends” and audiences. You’ve only got until the next “click” to catch their attention, blah, blah, cliche, blah. Bah. I liked the chick-voices when they were coming from the woods rather than the iso-booth.

The artwork is stunning (hat tip to MK12). And someone (you know who you are) is wrong about the white disc with spot-gloss; it is perfect. And it is a metaphor for the new mixes. Dan Askew uses spot gloss like it is free, and even though it ain’t, it is worth every penny.

Speaking of Dan Askew, he wasn’t at the record release shows for In the Pines because he is in New York City for the CMJ music festival pimping his other bands. So at least I didn’t blow him off on Friday.

My review of the In the Pines show? When Darren sang, he probably sounded very sweet. I was home.

Shows I may or may not go see. Chances can be influence upwards by whether I am “on the list”:

• Ghosty; 06 Nov; The Bottleneck (12% chance)
• Hello Goodbye / Reggie and the Full Effect / Cute I s What We Aim For / Dave Mellilo; 15 Nov; Granada (0% chance)
• Topeka Ascension Ork’ester, This is My Condition as special guest, 17 Nov; Grace Episcopal Cathedral (71% chance)
• Gay Beast / This is My Condition / Witch & Hare 29 Nov; Jackpot Saloon (94% chance)
• Split Lip Rayfield, 01 Dec; Liberty Hall (62% chance)

I’ve been talking about doing this blog for a long time. I love music and I love live music, but I hate going out.

For instance, I was going to the In The Pines record release party tonight at The Record Bar. But I didn’t. Tonight, I hated going out too much to go see them, and I knew this by about noon. I mean, they are friends of mine (I’d field a baseball team with Myers and Welch, and I’d definitely play bridge with Darren’s wife, Kathi), and this is a big night for them. The record is also coming out on one of the few ethical labels in the country (one with impeccable tastes, too), and a label with whom I have a professional relationship (Second Nature Recordings). Worst of all, I haven’t seen Dan, the SN owner, in what feels like years. And I generally accidentally scare anyone he brings with him to shows. So why am I not there?

Because I am putting down flooring. Cork flooring. It is pretty cool. We got it for near nothing through Lumber Liquidators. $.99 per square foot.

And, what’s worse, I didn’t go because I’m just not that psyched about the record yet. I’ve had a mix that isn’t coming out on the actual CD forever, and now I can’t get into it because I know it isn’t the final version. Well, something like that.

You know, another reason to fuck them off is that I think they have no real web page. I couldn’t find one. I mean, they have a MySpace band page and that is it? Fuck them for that. For that reason alone, I’m not linking their name to anything. I’m surprised that they’ve gotten farther than an open-mic-night at some cover-band-bar. Jesus Christ. Will they be touring on bikes, too? What is it with bands? Seriously. MySpace?

I am, however, making a media player for their album for the Interweb, and I am sure that I will be psyched about the CD at that point (once I get working on it). I’m making it as a collaboration with Kentucky Chrome Industries, (that was just an excuse to link them). But I really know that when I do make it, I’ll hear the first song 32428,324923,3 times because it will start every time I compile / beta the player, and then I will hate them again.

And if I’m making a media player for them (for free), why the fuck don’t I have a copy of the record? Christ. Are they managed by someone in jail or something? They can’t even get the guys in the band named correctly in The Kansas City Star. (You have to register, which is completely comical … like you are going to register for an article about some random band with a MySpace page. Way to stand out, In The Pines. I’m proud to call you “MySpace Friends”). So that you don’t have to register, my point is that The Kansas City Star calls John Ferguson “Jimmy Johnson” or some shit. They don’t even get his fucking name right.

Anyway, I’ve seen them twice. One time was ruined by a drunk girl who tagged along with us and loudly made fun of Kathi for liking her own husband too much. To her face. The band sounded horrible, too. The sound wasn’t good at The Jackpot for that particular show, blah, blah, blah. I was a mean motherfucker in my time, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to throw her out of the bar so I could watch Kathi swoon as her husband had his most touching moments (when he sings). But the other time I saw them it was a near religious experience, and exactly what I needed at exactly that moment. So I think they have greatness in them. I hope it comes out tomorrow night when I actually consider going again.

In reality, I’m kind of jealous that I’m not in In the Pines. It would be fun to harmonize like that, and they play slowly enough that it would be a challenge to play along without killing myself or falling asleep. But they are so damned engaging in their moments of brilliance. And I would make them so much better and darker. And I would see them more often, because I would have to. So I guess you should join them and then you’d definitely go see them or buy their record or steal it or download it or something. It is probably worth it.

Until then, I’m going to piss them off by uploading an early mix of “Prison Ghost.” I think there is a pox on people with these mixes, but I like the way the chicks sound so out-of-tune or drunk or whatever when they sing. And I love it when recordings sound like they weren’t made for release (demos and such). And this has a little of both. Not that I like the way it sounds. I just like THAT sound. I can’t wait to get one so that I can spend hours on them for free. And so their MySpace friends can listen to the media player.

So TOMORROW, Saturday, 04, NOV 2006, I will be at The Jackpot to see the Lawrence version of the record release party. And that is a 98% chance. Well, 97%. I’ll definitely head down early to get smooches and free shit. Because if I actually SEE the show, it means that the premise of the blog is bullshit.

• EDIT: OKAY. In The Pines has a webpage. I was wrong. And they don’t have bikes. I learned my fact-checking from The Kansas City Star, obviously. And The Blue Leaves have Craig Comstock, which is why I have a little warm feeling about them. But THEY only have a MySpace page.
  Current chance that I am going tonight? About 92%.

  Edit: 12:35, 04 NOV 2006

• EDIT: Well, shit. Current chance that I am going tonight? About 18%. Little has been done on the flooring, and my woman just left with the baby to go to dinner with a friend and look for “stemware” (I had to ask WTF that meant; I didn’t know. I guess I missed “the importance of the proper stemware” class). So getting down there for smooches is probably kinda likely, but actually going is losing steam.

  Edit: 18:38, 04 NOV 2006

In The Pines - “Prison Ghost” rejected version
In The Pines - “Dress On Fire” version you are supposed to hear
In The Pines - “Never Say Too Much” version you are supposed to hear